


Four Words to Stand On

by RottenAdel



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Age Difference, Blood and Gore, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, POV Alternating, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:23:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RottenAdel/pseuds/RottenAdel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude doesn't know what possessed him to put himself between it and Alvin, but he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Words to Stand On

**Author's Note:**

> I started playing Xillia recently, and this idea wouldn't leave my head until I got it out. I ended up writing and rewriting it as I progressed through the story, and now that I'm onto Xillia 2, I think I can safely finish and post it. Please mind any potential continuity errors.

     Like many things in Jude's life, it all happened so fast.

     He wasn't quite sure how they managed to get surrounded, or just how many creatures there were. He remembered Rowen saying it was best to flee, and Alvin's protest saying these things weren't going to let them off so easy. He remembered Leia shouting that they were out of gels, then Teepo proclaiming that Elize and he were getting tired.

     He remembers Rowen at his back one moment, long enough to take advantage of the healing circle he had erected. Then he watched him hurry across the field in the next, trying to take down as many of the monsters as possible. Alvin was at the conductor's side, taking a hit in the place of Leia, the girl shooting off a healing spell just a few seconds later as thanks. Everyone fighting all around him, everyone doing their best to keep the enemy at bay so they may continue on.

     From the corner of his eye he spotted it, a pair of beasts closing in on a preoccupied Alvin as he shot a beast on Elize's tail. Jude called for him, trying to warn him of the impending attack before the creatures could overwhelm him. He isn't sure if he heard the warning or not.

     Jude doesn't know what possessed him to put himself between it and Alvin, but he does. His body moved on instinct, hoping to knock the beasts back before they could do any damage.

     The beasts had other plans.

     A sharp pain, a ripping sensation across his chest that burned like fire. Jude felt himself launch across the field before landing hard among the dirt. He could hear the others screaming, calling for him to wake up, to snap out of the daze he was in, they needed him. He thought he heard himself saying he was fine, his own voice sounding so distant, detached, distorted by the burbles of blood that seemed adamant to fill his mouth.

     A trickle of healing magic, a cry of dismay. _I don't have enough mana, someone please do something, anything. Jude, Jude, wake up, you good for nothing do-gooder._ He tried to say it was okay, just give him a moment and he'll be fine... But his chest felt warm and sticky and his vision swam and swirled with tinges of black. _Couldn't we rest just a little bit, everyone? Just a few minutes, I'll be all right..._

     Something soft pressed against his chest, a brief spark of pain pulsing through him again, pulling a soft yelp from his bruised. His eyes, his limbs, his body felt heavy. So heavy that he just wanted to sleep. _Can I sleep?_ He thinks he asks, which only garners more concerned voices that he can't properly decipher. He thinks he hears Alvin talking, but he felt far too tired to care.

     The familiar scent of cologne and suede mixed with the pungent odor of copper in his nose. Strong arms hefted his limp form upwards and he could feel his body fall against a warm chest, hot breath ghosting across his sweat and blood slicked forehead as more words were uttered, words he couldn't comprehend just then.

     He felt himself moving before he drifted off, lulled by the steady lope of the man holding him close.

 

 

* * *

 

 

     Jude was, for lack of better words, in rough shape. One moment they were making decent headway in their travels between the seahaven and the nearest village, and the next they were scrambling to save the life of one of their own.

     Alvin had to admit that he wasn't paying the most attention to his surroundings, too preoccupied with fending off the baddies that were chasing after Elize. Letting those things flank him was a rookie mistake, one he wouldn't normally make if he wasn't worn out from the non-stop travel and fighting.

     He hadn't expected Jude to jump in to play the hero, either. Alvin could only watch in horror was Jude was thrown bodily across the ravine, narrowly missing smashing against the rocks nearby. Rage overrode any exhaustion he felt, and he quickly emptied his clip into the two beasts' skulls.

     The wound was deep, nearly to the bone, and almost immediately they could tell something was seriously wrong with Jude. He broke out into a cold sweat, his eyes no longer focusing on his surroundings as he insisted he was completely fine and just needed a quick snooze to continue on. It was as if he was unaware of just how injured he was, something dulling his senses as he lay bleeding out onto the ground.

     Leia and Elize, as exhausted as they were, expended what mana they could spare to try and close the wounds. It did little, only serving to heal some of the minor scrapes and cuts, leaving the rest openly oozing blood.

     Panic set in; no healing artes, no medicine, and Jude now babbling nonsensically in the throes of a fever. They had no other choice, they had to treat the wound the old fashioned way; basic first-aid that most Rieze Maxians seemed to take for granted. Yet their supplies were just as devoid of bandages as they were gels and potions, and with nothing sterile to wrap the wound, Jude may not survive the last leg of their journey.

     With a growl of frustration, or perhaps desperation, Alvin tore the scarf from his neck and carefully wrapped it around Jude's chest to staunch the blood.

     No protests were made as he lifted the boy into his arms and continued running towards their destination, Jude's head tucked under his chin.

 

  
     Venom, the doctor had said. Indigenous beasts of this area all had it, apparently. They were fortunate to not run into any of them sooner, considering the distance they had traveled. Apparently they had become a bit of an issue as of late, baring their teeth at just about anything that moved in their general vicinity. They received thanks for dispatching them, and in turn they were offered lodging within their town.

     They'd need it.

     The doctor could only do so much; the wound was serious, the poison already coursing through his veins, wreaking havoc on his already weakened body. And with his mana near depleted as it was, he would need time to recover fully. Not a luxury they particularly had, but they all could agree that staying just a few days there would be fine. Being on the run was far easier if one had a wall to be backed into, less places to watch.

     The inn was small, almost too small to accommodate their group of six. Though the two rooms they were afforded were split between the party, everyone seemed set on cramming into one to watch over Jude. It wasn't until Rowen took the initiative to shoo the girls away to their own quarters did the room finally quiet, leaving just Alvin and Rowen with the sleeping Jude.

     For a long while they stood in silence, Rowen watching the evening sky steadily darken, a storm rumbling in the distance. The perfect backdrop for Alvin's tumultuous thoughts.

      _Why'd you go and do that for, Jude?_ He continued to ask himself, yet he couldn't find an answer. Alvin had betrayed him, sold him out for a bag of coin, gave away their positions and put them in danger again and again. Yet in spite of this, Jude was willing to put himself in harms way to keep Alvin out of it. He didn't think him so fragile that he needed to be protected, did he? A blow like that... Yeah, it would have hurt, probably even torn him up a little, but he could have walked it off. Such a wound was nothing to a mercenary. He'd just limp a little until they got to the village and got himself healed.

     But it didn't change the fact that Jude jumped between him and danger without a second thought.

 _You really are a do-gooder, aren't you?_ He sighed, reaching to adjust the damp cloth upon Jude's forehead. _Wouldn't it be easier to just let me get hit, leave me behind or just heal me after? Or were you so low on mana that you couldn't manage it either?_

     Too many questions, and all the answers lay in the bed before him, sleeping off too many battles while Alvin was left tearing his hair out.

     "You never struck me for one with proper bedside manner, yet you seem to do exceedingly well with such things." Rowen stated, continuing to watch the sun set in the distance, "Care to share your thoughts with an old man?"

     Alvin turned his sights to the infamous conductor, then shrugged nonchalantly, "Just wondering if Mr. Honors-student here always jumps into the maw of death for people like me."

     "You of all people know that to be true." His answer came without an ounce of hesitance, and Alvin knew he was right. Jude, honest, caring, naive, innocent, almost to a fault... No, definitely to a fault, and that was why he was in this mess, all of it. Following Milla, pulling Elize along for the ride, trusting him even though he had proven himself untrustworthy time and again. The kid was too kind, throwing himself into the fray over some misguided view of what was right and wrong. He almost envied him that innocence to believe there was such a thing, a concrete black or white, good in the people who had proven themselves evil.

     Rowen stepped away from the window and knelt beside Jude, observing the flicker of his eyelids, counting his breaths. "To me, it seems Jude is the type to look past one's faults to see their true character. Even if you have hurt him the past, he tries to believe there is still good in you, Alvin."

     Alvin could only stare at the man in disbelief. How could anyone, especially someone who had suffered at his hand as much as Jude has, continue to carry such faith in him? It was completely baffling. For so long, he had done everything he could to leave no ties, no allies. He continued on his path with only enemies and broken hearts in his wake, and he vastly preferred it that way. Without allies, there were no backs to be stabbed. Without friends, there were no feelings to be hurt. He could simply earn his coin and head to the next client.

     Yet here he was, traveling with this ragtag group, standing alongside the boy who had too many daggers buried in his back by Alvin's own hand. It would be so much easier to walk out, leave this backwater town and the people whose trust he was trying so desperately to win. It would only benefit Jude in the end, he wagered, to have him walk out of his life. And maybe, just maybe, they could both find peace.

     But he didn't, he merely watched, waiting for Jude to awaken so he could get his own answers.

     Rowen stood suddenly and aimed a wry smile Alvin's way. "I think I'll step out for a bite to eat before turning in. I trust you'll watch over the boy?" There it was, that misplaced trust. Of all people, Rowen knew what he was capable of, what he could do, yet he still left them alone. Was he mad, or was this just another test of loyalty he was expected to fail?

     "You're really leaving me alone with him?" he asked, trying to act as if he were joking, and yet the tone was too close to disbelief to convince anyone.

     He offered only a knowing grin over his shoulder, "I believe that this will give you some time to consider what you would have done if it were Jude in the line of fire instead of yourself." Then he exited, closing the door behind him and leaving Alvin alone with his thoughts now louder than ever.

     Maybe going out wasn't such a bad idea, lest he be tempted to suffocate Jude in his sleep for making him question the life he had known for so long.

     Instead he settled for banging a fist against the side table, letting a groan of frustration between grit teeth. This really was a test of loyalty, wasn't it? That's all it could be, right? And that question... Before meeting Jude, before going on this insane journey, he could never imagine himself so selfless as to take a mortal wound for another. If a client was stupid enough to put themselves in harm's way purposefully, they had better offer him a hefty amount of coin or be prepared to die themselves. A mercenary worked for money, not honor nor trivialities like friendship or loyalty or love, and money was worth nothing if you were dead.

     But, when it came to Jude, he had done it. He had put himself in harm's way for Jude without ever seeing a single gald from him. He had been shot at, beaten, almost poisoned, and chased across the damn continent, taken countless hits at Jude's side. Hell, he had jumped in front of a _damned dragon_ , all for Jude. And for what? Yes, much of it had been for his own benefit in the end, but his goals could have been met without aiding any of them.

     So why did he continue to help Jude?

     It all came down to his own selfish wants. After so many years of dirty jobs for the sake of his single-minded goals, Jude appears and manages to turn his priorities upside-down. And now after everything he had worked for began to unravel before him, his focus had began to shift to making up for all the damage he had caused. Not just for the people of Rieze Maxia, but for this kid that made him realize that there was more to life than shady dealings and the tides of battle.

     His gaze shifted from the sleeping boy to the neatly folded scarf at the foot of his bed. It was ruined beyond repair, Jude's blood staining the expensive fabric. One of his prized possessions, destroyed on a whim. He had to wonder why he so readily gave it up for Jude’s sake when none other had such a luxury.

     He realized all at once that he would do it again, and that fact was more infuriating than it should have been.

     Alvin scrubbed his head irritably, his knee bouncing impatiently while he sat, watching the boy weighing on his conscious.

     His own mind betrayed him as the realization hit; the reasons for going out of his way was because he did care for the group he had been traveling with. Not only that, but he cared for Jude, and caring for anyone but himself and his mother had been so beyond him for so long that he wasn't quite sure how to process it all. Caring for anyone was a risk in itself in his line of work; it was why he worked so hard to keep his mother hidden away, keep their tie a secret kept under threat of death. Caring for Jude... It would compromise him, compromise his future, Jude's future.

     But why in the world did that not seem so consequential as Jude dying?

     He couldn't do this. He couldn't fall for someone like this, especially not a young man. At least not right now, not when everything he knew was crashing in on him from all sides.

     But he wanted to, and that was just as damning as all the damage he had done to Jude's heart already.

     He stood, nearly knocking over the chair as he rushed to the door. Let Leia watch after him, he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

     No sooner did his hand touch the knob was there a rustle of blankets, a wet thunk of fabric hitting a wooden floor. Alvin turned to see Jude's head lulled to the side, letting a soft, pained moan, a tiny utterance of a name not his own, but of the woman who dragged him into this mess. Alvin's lips pulled into a grimace as he heard Jude call Milla's name from within his fever dreams. A pang of jealousy followed it. Why did it have to be her, the woman who claimed to not understand such a complex emotion? Why couldn't it have been...

     "...Al..vin..."

     The man gasped quietly and for a split second he thought that Jude had awakened. The brief moment of relief was quickly clouded by Jude's flushed face, his expression pained as his breaths came in short, heaving gasps. The doctor said that he would need to push through the fever, that it was the only way to fend off the poison, but that didn't change how strangely concerned Alvin felt for his condition.

     Alvin was back in his seat before he could think better of it, observing Jude for a few long moments. Eyes tightly shut, brow furrowed, his hands clenching at the sheets beneath him as he mumbled to no one, as if he were addressing the participants of his fever-hazed dreams.

     He begged forgiveness for his weakness, to not be left alone, for understanding and closeness. He begged for Milla to be careful, for his father to understand, and for Alvin... Alvin over and over... To stay by his side, to not lie to him again, _never lie again..._

     And Alvin listened intently to every word, the deepest insecurities the boy held spilling from his mouth while he fought the venom in his veins. It almost felt like intruding, like he was reading his diary or something equally juvenile, yet he couldn't make himself leave. It wasn't even that he was charged with keeping an eye on him, but that he wanted to be there, by Jude’s side should he awaken.

     For what reason, whether it be guilt or something more, he couldn't understand. Not yet.

     Instead, he stayed at Jude's side, and in spite of the alarm bells in his head, he took the boy's hand into his, gripping it tightly.

     "I'm right here, kid."

     He had a lot of thinking to do.

 

* * *

 

 

     Jude awoke with a painful start. A flash of lightning followed by a deep and rumbling thunder brought him from the grips of a fever dream and back to a tentative consciousness. I'm...Where am I? His foggy mind tried to place his whereabouts, coming to the conclusion that he was inside, in a bed that was too stiff to be his own, with a storm raging outside that he was thankfully not exposed to. An inn, probably, from what he could make out from his blurred vision and dim lighting.

     A deep, thrumming ache coursed through his limbs, denoting the cuts and bruises he had surely attained from a fierce battle. A battle? Right, I was fighting alongside everyone...

     Slowly he pieced together the sequence of events that lead to his current condition. The rush for shelter, the sudden attack, the crippling blow that had sent him flying... And then what? The rest became a blur of vibrant reds and rich browns, fiery pain that sunk like knives into his flesh. A pressure against his chest, intensifying the pain before he felt arms wrapped around him, lips just inches from his face; _you're going to be all right, Jude. Just hang in there. We're almost there, focus on me. Can you hear me, kid? Just keep breathing, Jude... Jude..._

     Alvin.

     Jude realized he must have been the one to carry him to safety, his voice imprinted so vividly in his fever-addled mind, his scent somehow a comfort when his own senses were filled with pain and the smell of his own blood.

     Against his better judgment, he attempted to rise, only for a shock of seering pain to shoot from his chest to his fingertips like a jolt of electricity through his veins. A choked gasp was ripped from his throat as he fell back, white dots dancing across his vision.

     "Easy, kid." Before any further attempts could be made, calloused hands pressed against his shoulders, coaxing him back onto the warm blankets. "Don't try to get up yet." The voice, the scent of suede and cologne...

     "Alvin?" Jude croaked, his throat dry. lips cracked. His eyes began searching in the darkness for the source of the voice, finding it far closer than he would initially expect. Alvin was sitting on the edge of the bed, his face just barely visible in the darkness of the room. Yet even without light he could sense the grin that was surely upon his features.

     The mana lamp upon the bedside table was flicked on and Jude flinched away from the offending light. The pale yellow glow illuminated the room and confirmed his thoughts; an inn room, unfamiliar, but cozy, and he in a bed with Alvin, just Alvin, at his side.

    _Alvin... But..._ "Where is everyone...?" _Where am I? What happened?_

     "Rowen is keeping the girls busy downstairs. You weren't ever going to get any rest with all the fussing they were doing." Alvin leaned forward on his elbows, examining him so closely that Jude almost blushed, "How are you feeling?"

     "I'm..." he began to say he was fine, only to be cut off by a wince from the effort of breathing alone. Lying about it wasn't going to do him any good, especially not in the condition he was in. He had been in countless battles since leaving Fenmount, many that left him bruised and battered and barely standing after, but Jude couldn't recall a time that he felt so completely fatigued. Had he become ill from his wounds as well? He had never treated soldiers during his time at school, but he had read in many books about wounds earned on the battlefield that proved fatal after becoming infected. Perhaps this situation was much the same.

     Alvin didn't wait for a proper answer; his expression was all he needed. An arm was hooked under his neck, lifting his head slightly while a glass was pressed to his bruised, chapped lips. "Here, drink. It's medicine."

     Jude did so willingly, gulping down the bitter concoction with a soft shudder. He coughed from the taste alone, feeling the beginnings of a gag tugging at his throat. Alvin seemed to catch onto this, and offered a second glass after, this one filled with cool water to wash the taste away. He was grateful for the kindness and tenderness both, especially in his weakened state.

     The glass was set aside and his head lowered back to the pillow beneath, a soft, albeit unintentional groan escaping his parted lips. For a while he could only stare blearily as his senses slowly came back online, his hand coming up to press against his chest, noting the borrowed shirt, the poultice and bandages beneath.

     "That was quite the heroic feet back there," Alvin tried to joke, but the words came out strained and tense, so unlike his usual self, "Jumping in to take the hit. You damn near gave us all a heart attack."

     "...'m sorry..." He murmured, bringing the hand away from his healing injuries and to his eyes, trying to rub the haze from his vision, "Is everyone all right?"

     "Everyone is fine, just worry about yourself. You nearly got yourself killed back there." It almost sounded as if Alvin was scolding him, but it was so unlike the harsh words he was used to hearing from his father that he could hardly take offense to any of them. No malice, just fear, worry for his safety and well-being. Jude wondered if Alvin had ever been a father, or if this sort of thing came naturally.

     In spite of the words of caution, Jude managed to roll onto his side, the shift of weight offering a little relief from the soreness in his back. Thankfully, nothing felt broken, but the pull on his skin denoted the stitching holding him together. And the burning, tingling sensation he felt... "Was it bad?" He posed obvious question to the man at his bedside, watching as his expression changed from light-hearted to almost grim.

     Alvin refused to meet his gaze as he spoke, instead taking the cloth from Jude's forehead and wetting it, making a show of rinsing it thoroughly. "Elize and Leia didn't have enough mana to close the wounds, and to make matters worse, those things were apparently poisonous. You've been out for little over two days."

     "Poisonous?" The strange numbness in his fingers was suddenly explained, as was the overall weakness. He had read of different venoms that inhibited the recovery of mana in humans, many of which were deadly if not treated immediately. Jude made a mental note to ask the doctors what kind it was, for science, of course.

     The damp cloth was placed back on his forehead, offering some relief to the burning heat he felt in his veins. It was then that Jude noticed something amiss, something missing. His eyes scanned the room first, unable to place anything out of the ordinary. Then there was Alvin's appearance. Jude noted his slightly untucked shirt, the beginnings of dark circles beneath his eyes, the absence of his scarf...

     "...Your scarf..." Jude stared up at him, the concern in his gaze growing, "Where is it?"

     Alvin paused in his distractions, finally meeting Jude's gaze for but a brief moment. The man let a soft sigh before reaching out of view, to the foot of the bed, retrieving the stained fabric and holding it aloft. "I'm afraid it got a little dirty. I tried washing it, but it looks like I'll have to get a new one anyway."

     Jude's eyes went wide; Alvin's scarf, the pinnacle piece of his wardrobe, irreparably stained by blood. _His_ blood, Jude realized. Had he really been bleeding so much that it had soaked Alvin's clothing? But why was his shirt not in the same state?

     The overwhelming urge to apologize hit him, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

     "Relax, Jude." Alvin cut him off before he could prostrate himself even further, "It was the first thing that came to mind to use. I had to stop the bleeding or else you wouldn't have made it."

     "Then, you used your scarf..." He lowered his gaze. Before losing consciousness, he recalled something being wrapped around his wound. To think that Alvin would sacrifice something he cherished for him...  
  
     It took Alvin a long time to respond, but when he did, it was with a question, "Why did you do that?" He asked quietly, looking anywhere but Jude just then. He seemed nervous, agitated... almost flustered, even when he finally turned Jude's way.

     Jude was unsure how to answer. He lowered his gaze, cuddling closer to the thick blankets that cocooned him. "I'm..."

     "You could have let me be hit. It would have solved a lot of your problems, knock me down a peg." It was the sort of self-deprecating comment that Jude was unused to hearing from the mercenary. Alvin exuded confidence from every ounce of his being, the cocky attitude something he quickly associated with the older man. But it seemed recently he had begun almost insulting himself, as if even he was effected by betraying his companions time and again. Jude never pictured Alvin the guilty type, but it seemed even he was capable of remorse.  
  
     "That's not..." Jude muttered, craning his neck up just so he could read Alvin's expression a bit better, "I don't want that at all. I just..."

     Just what? He wasn't quite sure himself. In the depths of his foggy mind he recalled the feeling of dread gripping his heart when he saw the beasts about to gang up on Alvin, wondering if he was just as tired as everyone else, how much damage those claws and teeth would have done. There was that brief moment of terror when he realized that if Alvin was just as exhausted as he was, a hit that hard could likely kill him if he didn't treat it right away. And without the mana needed for the healing circle, he could have died.

     Perhaps that was his answer, the fear of this man no longer being in his life. Alvin hadn't known him long, and he had done many things that would make any normal person turn the other way, ignore his existance and move on. But Jude didn't, he couldn't, because he wanted to understand. He wanted to understand Alvin and his motives, why he did the things he did. He valued him as a friend and... Perhaps more, he wasn't quite sure. Things had been changing so much recently. His view on the world, the life he had known, his thoughts of the people he had met along the way... His feelings for the embodiment of a god and the mercenary that he couldn't quite read.

     His feelings... He knew he felt something for Alvin. From the moment they met when Alvin literally swept him off his feet, the mercenary had somehow managed to be at the forefront of his mind. Every time he was close, every casual comment, the awkward half hugs and quiet moments... They made Jude's heart pound so bad at first that he fhought he was going into cardiac arrest. As time wore on, he grew used to it, the butterflies in his stomach erupting into life whenever the man cast a smile his way. He hardly knew him, but Jude wanted to know him, be close to him, remain at his side. The others thought him little more than a liar, a traitor, but Jude...

     "I just didn't want you hurt..." Jude finally admitted, "I saw the beast coming and... My body just moved on its own. I can't say for sure the reason, but... For a split-second, I thought of you not being there and I just felt so scared that I'd lose you..." He was babbling, either due to the fever or the turmoil in his own head. He didn't know exactly what he felt for Alvin, but it was there and it made his words fail and heart skip whenever he touched him.

     He expected Alvin to scoff, to laugh and berate him for his seemingly petty reasonings, but all he did was gently ruffle his sweaty hair with a slight smile. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you have a crush on me."

     Jude's silence was telling, as was Alvin's steadily drooping expression. The briefest flicker of shock crossed the older man's features as he leaned just a bit closer to the ill boy, "Wait, Jude... Do you...?"

     "I don't know..." Jude muttered, the flush on his face more than just the fever, "I've never... experienced this before..."

     Alvin went from joking and smiles to the anxious silence that Jude was quickly associating with the man thinking too much. What had he missed while he slept?

     Another long silence, Alvin allowing his hand to linger longer than necessary, wondering if this was the first time he was feeling Jude's hair without gloves, and why he hadn't done so sooner. They both remained quiet for a time, the two coming to conclusions in their own minds, ones that needn't be voiced just yet.

     Finally Alvin pulled his hand back, turning his gaze away once more, "So, it's like that, huh..." He sounded almost disappointed, and yet... hopeful? Was that what Jude was hearing? "You know, liking me like that will get you in trouble, Jude. What would your father think?"

     "This has nothing to do with him!" Jude shout, voice hoarse from days of disuse, "What I do with my life, the path I take, the people I choose to love... It's my decision, not his."

      _Love._

     He said it, and putting it into words was enough to make him want to bury himself into the blankets and never emerge again. Yet Alvin didn't laugh at his sudden, childish confession. He merely sighed, a hand resting against Jude's shoulder.

     "In all seriousness, you know what getting involved with someone like me is dangerous, right? I could take advantage of those feelings and betray you again." It wasn't a rejection, nor was it an affirmation. It was Alvin's worries being voiced, the questions he had been burning to ask all this time just barely making their way to the surface. Jude had to wonder what had been going through the man's mind while he slept, or if he too held feelings for his comrade.

     "I know... But..." He ventured a look at the older man, his face flushed, eyes alight, "I can't help it... This feeling..."

     For a long moment, Alvin simply stared back at Jude, bewildered. This boy continued on through this journey with his head held high even if his legs were shaking before every conflict. Even in love, he faced adversity and uncertainty at every turn. When the man his heart decided on had proven himself untrustworthy time and again, he still reached out to him with an open heart and a gentle smile.

     Perhaps Jude wasn't exactly the child he thought he was. The understanding he offered, the patience, kindness... It was more than Alvin could hope for.

     "I guess it's the same for me, then." Alvin gave his shoulder a light squeeze, the uncertainty as clear as day in voice. Putting it into words was far more difficult than he expected, even at his age, which only made Jude's brazen confession even more profound. "I normally don't take kindly to those who make me question myself so much... But if it's you..." Their eyes met, both wishing for more than they could hope for, yet willing to wait for the results never the less. If it's for Jude, only Jude, maybe he could turn things around for both of them. He could try again.

     Then, he chuckled, "Sorry. I guess I should be saying thank you instead of making fun." Just like that, the tension was lifted, both breathing a sigh of relief.

     "You ended up saving me in the end..." The boy offered a shaky smile and Alvin couldn't look away; those tired, amber eyes gazing with adoration up at him. For the briefest moments Jude could have sworn the man was actually blushing, which only brought a short laugh of his own to his lips. "So, I guess we're even."

     This time it was Alvin who laughed, "You can buy me a new scarf, then we'll be even. Unless you want to pay me in other ways." A sultry wink, his usual cocky grin. Jude was blushing all over again.

     "Teepo is right. You _are_ a pervert." He muttered, yet it lacked the bite he hoped it would have, too busy smiling himself. "But... Thank you, Alvin..." In a moment of bravery, he reached out, his hand shakily seeking Alvin's own in the dim light.

     And to his surprise, Alvin took it, giving it a tentative squeeze, "Don't mention it, kid."

     They both had a lot of thinking to do, but with the words in the open, perhaps figuring things out would be easier.


End file.
